Opinion: Garfield Lasagna Party is Holy Doctrine

In the Akashic records, only a handful of video games are archived. Ride to Hell: Retribution is but one of them, joined by Aquaman: Battle for Aquarius, and the launch versions of both Cyberpunk 2077 and No Man’s Sky. It takes a lot to win archival in the encyclopedia superno, but one of the newest installments has earned its share — and more.

It feels like Garfield Lasagna Party came out of nowhere. I remember where I was and how I felt when I was told it’d be releasing. I was sitting in my computer chair, much like I am whilst writing, and I felt misery. It wasn’t because the game existed, but rather, because I knew my life would not be the same once I played a single session of this beautiful game about cartoon animals who hate Mondays — for some reason.

A Race To End All Races

Upon loading up Garfield Lasagna Party, it took very little time for me to realize what I was getting into. It has three main modes — Lasagna Race, Lasagna Challenge, and Lasagna World Tour. I decided to start off small and settle for a casual race. If you have ever played a Mario Party — you know more or less what to expect here. Lasagna Race manifests as a board game where you navigate around the board as Garfield, Nermal, Odie or Arlene. There are no other characters aside from those four, but to be honest … that’s not really a problem given the comic strip doesn’t have that many characters to begin with.

In this mode, the goal is to win as many minigames as possible whilst sabotaging your supposed friends. I, for one, was aghast at how easily Garfield throws lasagna at Odie, his own kin! Or, how he so callously sends a rain of banana-peel hellfire down upon Nermal, the world’s cutest kitten! I was almost glad to be losing miserably — is there any difference between playing as Garfield and playing as Satan?! But, it was then that I coped with the outrageously incompetent control scheme of Garfield Lasagna Party and made off with the top spot in this war of attrition.

It Has Other Modes, Too!

I say that very sparingly. Lasagna Challenge is merely Lasagna Race without the race — and only half the Lasagna! In this mode, players pick a specific minigame from the library of thirty-two total minigames, and compete with their friends for the top spot. It eliminates the board game element, and gives choice back to the player, which is cool if you like the minigames. Lasagna World Tour is the exact same thing, but you don’t have a choice as to what minigames you play, and there’s still no board game.

I don’t really think there is much to write home about in terms of minigames. There are a handful that are fun to play, but even those have a wonky control scheme that saps any enjoyment out of them. Perhaps if there were more of a selection of minigames or characters from other comic strips — like Calvin, Hobbes, or … uh … Snoopy(?), perhaps Garfield Lasagna Party would be more than a cheap, reskinned Mario Party.

I Can’t Believe This Game Exists

I really can’t. I’m not even doing the bit anymore. Show me who this was made for. I imagine there is an audience for Garfield Lasagna Party, but … who?! Who was minding their own business, living their short existence on this big, blue, marble and thought: I want to play Mario Party, but with characters from the epochal comic strip by famed cartoonist Jim Davis? I struggle to believe this person exists.

But … what if that, in-and-of itself, is the point? I mentioned earlier that I couldn’t understand why Garfield hates Mondays. I mean, he doesn’t work. But, what if Garfield Lasagna Party is encouraging us to become more like the infamous, orange tabby cat? What if this game’s primary purpose is to convince us to take a day off every now and again, get some friends together, and … eat lasagna around a board game?

Related: Top 10 minigames in Garfield Lasagna Party

My … if so, then this game might should be holy doctrine. If it’s trying to get us to value the short time we have on this planet … and spend it with people we love, doing things we love — yes, even eating lasagna — then I shall take its message to heart and do anything to avoid playing more Garfield Lasagna Party.