There’s been quite a lot of talk about video game dialogue lately. In just the last 6 months there’s been a hand full of games that people are pointing out have some of the worst lines in video game history. Really now? The worst of all time? Maybe we should stack and compare that, shall we? Now there are lots of ways you can get bad dialogue, but here we are going to try and focus just on deliberate lines. No grammar issues or bad translations. That could be a list all on its own. Nope, these lines all came from script to voice with the decision of all involved: “yeah, that was a pretty good choice, let’s keep it.” Here are 10 of the worst and cringiest lines of dialogue in video games.
10. “I’m looking for some alien toilet to park my bricks… Who’s first?” – Duke Nukem Forever
Let’s get the low-hanging fruit out of the way. There are a ton of pretty bad video games. While it sat collecting dust for 14 years in development hell, you can really tell the script of dialogue for Duke Nukem seemed to not change since the late 90s from when it was likely written.
When the game did release, it was pretty obvious there were not a lot of rewrites. A lot of the dialogue felt overly outdated and embarrassing even by 2011 standards. A lot of derogatory, sexist, juvenile potty humor that worked in the mid-90s wasn’t working now. This line, in particular, however, doesn’t even feel real. Who EVER said “park my bricks” when talking about going number 2 to begin with?
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9. “That Wizard came from the moon” – Destiny
Poor Peter Dinklage. You’d almost think he didn’t know how voice acting worked despite being such a great actor. While nothing he said as Ghost in the first Destiny game was outright – laughably bad, the context and hearing how empty he sounded… it’s just hard to take seriously. The entire quest line about killing said moon wizard is full of Ghost’s deadpan and unintentionally funny deliveries. However the most iconic is how left-field this statement is after he’s already explained several times that it was indeed a moon wizard. Just in case we didn’t hear him the first time it would seem.
8. “You fight like a cow” The Secret of Monkey Island
Some might cry foul for this one as the Monkey Island series’ comedy is so well-loved and cherished. However, like any sarcastic hero, from Spider-man to Guybrush himself, not every joke lands. While the humor, like anything else, can be an acquired taste, it’s the sword-fighting insults that can be quite hit or miss.
An actual mechanic in many games, it’s meant to be fun off-the-cuff banter during combat. This one, however, goes for a Monty Python approach but if you think too long about it it just feels a bit too dumb and not cleaver. “You fight like a dairy farmer” your opponent shouts. Ah yes, random and arbitrary, good start. “How appropriate” Guybrush shouts back, “You fight like a cow.” ….. Okay… yes.. I see thats… the best you can do today is it Guybrush? How udderly witty. See? Not very funny was that one.
7. “What is a man? Just a miserable pile of secrets!” – Symphony of the Night
Sometimes amazing, great games go hard on the philosophy, and line delivery and structure is everything. You can’t argue how good of a came Castlevania Symphony of the Night is. What you can argue though is perhaps Dracula’s opening monologue could have spent more time in the writing room. Depending on how you see it, this is a daring, stabbing question of mankind’s morality. On the other hand… sounds like Drac has had a bit too much to drink.
The line has been rewritten and paraphrased throughout the Caslivania series and Symphony remakes and remasters. As if admitting they could have done better one would think. What really might drive home the absurdity of the line is the line right after, “But enough talk, have at you!” as if the cheese was not heavy enough.
6. “It’s a giant worm! They are sinking cities with a giant worm!” – Gears of War 2
It’s hard when a super serious and intense game wants you to believe what they are saying is just as serious and intense. The Gears of War series is very dark and nuanced. It has some genuinely messed up and dramatic moments. However, in the same game where you watch a beloved comrade be tortured and kill himself from the fear of being captured by the enemy again… the biggest threat to humanity is a giant sink worm.
Of course, that can be scary too, just look at Dune, but… how do you make the line work? Sadly veteran actor John Dimaggio as Marc Fenix couldn’t get it done. The revelation that humanity’s doomsday is just… giant worms… after everything else you’ve done and seen in these games… just comes up short of the absurdity. Yes yes Marc, holy crap, a giant worm, whatever will we do. Sorry, your screams of terror didn’t translate well on this one.
5. “Go f*** yourself! You sh*t piles give chase, I will kill your d*cks!” – Bulletstorm
Aaah yes, Bulletstorm, in a time when so many games wanted to be like Borderlands and… well… While the gameplay was good, the banter and comebacks could have spent more time baking in the ‘smartass oven’. As Grayson Hunt voiced by the wonderful Steven Blum gives chase to a mysterious woman on their crashlanded planet, she shouts that wonderfully articulate threat at him. How clever and forthright.
It doesn’t get much better as Grayson tries to retaliate by pointing out how it doesn’t make sense but stoops to the same level as well. “What? What does that even mean? You’re gonna kill my d*ck? I’ll kill your d*ck! How ’bout that, huh?” Oh great… so everyone is going to talk like that. It’s not as bad as it could be, but it doesn’t set up promising gems to come and it can be quite tiring when everyone wants to be Deadpool in Borderlands.
4. “No, not just an urge – more than that. It was my destiny to be here: in the box!” – Metal Gear Solid 3
There’s actually a lot to unpack here. Get it? See what I did there? While this main line itself isnt entirely bad and is clearly played for tongue-in-cheek meta-humor… the conversation between Snake and Sigint just gets worse and worse. “You should come inside the box. Then you’ll know what I mean.” Y-yeah… ok Snake sure.
” is everyone but me that is hooked up with the Major strange?” … What? Sigint what does that even mean? What could have been a funny off-hand one-liner just drags on into a conversation that goes nowhere and does nothing but wastes time and words. There can be some funny moments in Metal Gear games, but other times, it’s just jarring and exacerbating.
3. “I use to be an adventure like you, then I took an arrow in the knee” – Skyrim
There are some throwaway lines maybe you can chuckle at the absurdity and move on. However, when they start to become all-encompassing memes, you realize just how bad the line is and it only gets worse and worse the more you hear about it. At some point, the line just becomes groan-inducing forever. That’s what taking an arrow to the knee must be like. Sure, it only happened once, but the pain now lasts forever and you can never let it go. It consumes you and you realize how much time was wasted. Or… something like that probably. What once was mildly funny is now the bane of gaming dialogue.
2. “You were almost a Jill Sandwich” – Resident Evil
You could make a top 10 worst lines in video games probably just from everything Barry says in Resident Evil. There are some ‘classics’ if you can call them that. While Barry is clearly written to be ‘that guy’ it doesn’t really justify how unfunny and sigh-inducing his lines really are. The worst of them all has become a line so infamous with the series, the Resident Evil franchise has tried to make a joke out of it, but leaning into it just feels like giving the effort an eye roll or shake of the head.
1. “I should have been the one to fill your dark soul with light!” – Devil May Cry
Partly how it’s delivered, partly just… well just look at those words arranged in that order! Devil May Cry has a lot of diehard fans, but you’d be hard-pressed to find someone willing to defend this line. Silly emo sarcasm while trying to come off as a cool guy is one thing, and if it’s not your cup of tea you’ve probably never liked DMC.
No, not talking about that one. However, there’s no sarcasm found in this line. This is just pure raw angsty emotion that could have used some tweaking. A somewhat tender, and very serious ending to the first game, kind of utterly ruined by a line you’d find in a Papa Roach song or “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day.
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Published: Jan 25, 2023 01:05 pm